Couplehood

Balancing Time With Each Other And Work

I've been discussing with the wife-to-be about how we should manage our careers, and how we can balance life and work such that we will have enough time with each other.  Ideally, we hope to work towards having her be a stay-home wife/mum, and for me to have a shorter work week (a concept I was introduced to on Monday). It's still in the planning stages, so we'll only be able to share the details later.

Job Change
It’s been much easier since I've left my previous job to join a new company, with good working hours and a relatively comfortable income – something I’m very thankful to God for. However, Angela's still needing to manage her teaching career, which takes up a lot of her spare time outside of working hours. I believe it's a familiar situation for many couples.

So, we ask, what are the things we ought to be thinking about, to achieve a proper life-work balance?

My Mentors’ Priceless Advice 
I've picked up a few tips from fantastic mentors, one of whom has 6 kids and 2 jobs. Some are good faithful Christian couples who have weathered the storms of insane work hours and young families. I'll list some of their golden nuggets of advice here. Do let me know what you think?

• Putting First Things
  Work on settling the priorities as a couple. Take a day, week, or as long as you need – but do it. You’ll need to agree with your spouse on the important things both of you need to do, and put them in order. An important point: don’t be general about it. You’ll not only want to be specific on the goals, but the specific actions that need to be done. For example: The first priority in the relationship is each other; this means we spend 20 hours a week of undistracted attention with each other, playing badminton, talking, shopping, walks in the park, or any activity that gives us undivided time together. (Adrian’s note: I’m working on another article on how to prioritize goals in couplehood, watch for it!)


• Quality Time At Work: Work All The Time You Work
  It’s a tough concept for bosses and employees alike, mostly because a disciplined and productive worker who leaves at 6pm is usually misunderstood as a “clock watcher” and an individualist (versus being a team player). Watch for those major time-wasting activities, like chatting with the colleagues, schmoozing with buddies in the pantry, and long lunches. Cut down interruptions from colleagues by signaling to them that you will not be disturbed while you’re working on something. The general rule: work all the time you work, with the goal of leaving the office no later than one hour after office hours – and earlier is better.


• Quantity Time At Home: Spend As Much Time As Possible Outside Of Your Work And Workplace.
  The second half of the mantra of “Quality Time At Work” is “Quantity Time at Home”. To be even more specific, work on spending as much time with your spouse as possible. Dr. Harley, author of “His Needs, Her Needs”, suggests that this amount comes up to 15 hours a week.  Sounds impossible? Truth be told, you probably watch twice as much TV in a week. A good start in piling those hours up will be to starting looking for areas of mutual interest in activities, sports, events, etc.


• Don’t Bring Work Home, Nor Home to Work
  Keep them separate, and don’t steal time from either to do the other. I don't mean to concede this at the get-go, but I know this is tough (it’s very tough for us). So if you're like us, and you really have to bring work home, set the priority to spend time with each other first. It's kind of a short term compromise in the spirit of the principle. In the end, if a job is taking too much time away from your spouse, seriously consider changing your job.

Technorati Tags: counsel, couplehood, how-to, husband and wife

Packing for the Honeymoon

Awesome Folding Technique

Packing For The Pack Rat
Well, since we're going off on that honeymoon in Tasmania and all that, I've been on the lookout for good packing tips to put as much into as small a luggage as possible. While my  time in the army had me vacuum packing my belongings in Ziplock bags (I'm so past that), I'm looking for more efficient ways of putting holiday items together.

Here's some resources I found on the 'net (I love the bundle one):

• Youtube's Japanese Clothes Folding Technique
• One Bag's Bundle Packing
• The Rest Of One Bag's Packing Page
• Travel Sense has Nice Tips
• Rick Steve's Site
• Rick Steve For Ladies

Surviving The Quarrel

 

"Charity suffereth long, and is kind"
- 1 Corinthians 13:4

“Quarrels would not last long if the fault were only on one side.”
 - François de la Rochefoucauld

I've been through my fair share of arguments with the lady. I guess if we've made it 9 years without killing each other, we must have done something right (else, we're hopelessly moronic).

Anyway. Everyone gets into arguments. Apparently, the more important the relationship, the more intense the dispute. Some get so severe that the entire relationship turns into explosive environment. Yet the solution is hardly beyond reach.

The Short Truth About Arguments.
Most people aren't thinking rationally in the heat of an argument; they tend to express emotion over reason. That's plenty of reason why you should stop arguments at th first hint of anger, because nothing ignites like good old fashion wrath.

Why Survival, And Not Tolerance
If you want to keep that relationship, you'll have to learn from your differences, and overcome them (hence survival). To say that you're tolerating differences smacks of pride and condescension, and you'll not need to wait very long to your next argument. If your relationship is dear, you want to survive it, it means you take effort to understanding the facts and problems, and it means you take time to deal with them.

Some tips we've learned about how to survive those quarrels:

1. Be Nice Even When You're Right.   It's about the attitude, not how right you are. Sure you know they're wrong. But you don't have to be mean or insistent about it. Everyone makes mistakes and frankly, you're no different. Make your point and don't rub it in, or you'll just stir up a hornet's nest. Being "Unreasonably Right" usually encourages a another bad habit: digging up the past. And then it's all downhill from there.


2. Be The First To Apologize.  What stops grown adults from taking the step forward to apologize is pure, simple pride. You'll be surprised at how fast hot arguments die down when one stops and says, "I think I understand what you mean, and for what it's worth, I'm sorry for what I did." I know its tougher than it sounds, but I'm strongly advocating this because I know it's worth risking your precious pride. 


3. Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Your Anger.   A wise Biblical command. Take some time out if you must to cool off, but don't let the matter drag for more than a day. The reason's simple - you don't want the issue to spread to other matters and breed deeper bitterness. Deal with it fast, and deal with it fully.


4. Know Who To Ask For Good Advice.   Counsel can go two ways. They can be voices of reason; they can be bottles of poison. Watch out for who you confide in.  If your confidantes are sensible mediators, great - but if they are malicious snakes, well, not so great. I've seen issues get blown out of proportion because of toxic "advice"; I've also seen how Angela and I have grown closer from the good counsel of Pastors and friends. In the end, know who to go to for good counsel.


5. Ask Family/Friends to Shed Light, But Don't Bring Them to The Fight.  Look for good friendly counsel by all means, but don't ever form a posse to gang up with against your partner. The last thing you want is someone who's looking for a fight, where only the two of you have anything to lose. So what if by trapping him/her into a corner persuades them to concede quickly (for now)? It's going to be a pyhrric victory. When you make your friends take sides, forcing them to choose one of you over the other, you're setting up for a very big disaster if things go sour.


6. Learn From The Episode.   This is the key to surviving. Arguments, quarrels and fights are immense opportunities to learn about each other. Don't make the mistake to think it's something that totally negative. So unless it's relationship-ending, take the effort to discuss the issue through and mentally underline the points to learn - and then really learn them. Apart from saving you from precious time and heartache, it will go a long way in building the relationship for the long run.


7. Gifts After The Storm.   It wouldn't hurt to give her flowers, and it won't hurt to cook a nice meal for him. I'm not advocating stereotypes, I'm just suggesting nice things to do. I won't need to explain this much, because I think you need to try this out to see how well it works. So try it.

Honestly, I've been needing to work on this post for a few days, because on one hand, while I wanted to make sure this was sound advice, I myself was learning to do some of the tips listed during one of our sharper disagreements. But you know, I'm glad we had them - if we had intentionally avoided them, the issues may have never been resolved, See? we're learning too.

Yeah, It'll Take Some Time
Angela and I have been working on some issues for years now. In some cases, full resolution is not easy - but the optimist tells us we're 9 years closer to the answer. So take note: Not all arguments need to be resolved on the spot. Be patient.

Technorati Tags: angela and adrian, arguments, dating, how-to, quarrel

"... That We May Support Each Other... "

Angela and I often find ourselves discussing the topic of support for each other's decisions and actions. You've heard of the situation; especially life decisions that require changes to the status quo, like changing jobs, emigrating, new hobbies, etc.

Tough Discussions
It's been a thorny topic, mostly because we've found that our respective views on the issue of support were fundamentally different. Recently, I've had to make some pretty big changes in my life in the past year or so (job, loans, increased financial responsibilities). It usually ends in long discussions (read: quarrels), but we've been able to sort the issue out, and have emerged the better for it.

A Few Tips
So, if you've decided to give support to your significant other (in the context of non-morally offensive matters, of course), we've put together a list of to-dos and to-do-nots for the person who gives the support (the "support-giver") to the one who needs support (the "decision-maker"):

• Support Means Seeking First To Understand.   The first half of one of the legendary seven habits of highly effective people. Chances are, when a big decision falls on a couple's lap, there's going to be friction. Often the decision-maker is already in conflict - he/she won't need more nagging or quarreling to push him/her into frustration. Support here means being patient enough to hear and listen to the other, and to fully understand their position, no matter how you feel about the decision.


• Support Means Seeking To Be Understood.   The other half of the fifth habit. It's utterly essential that the support-giver be totally clear to the decision-maker about how the former feels. As the support-giver, you may be entirely "for" or "against" the decision, or somewhere in between - whatever the case, don't let the decision-maker assume. The support-giver can either be a source of encouragement or honest criticism. Just don't be a source of confusion.


• Support Does Not Necessarily Mean Agreement.   Agreement will certainly make things easier, but it will not always be the case. Disagreeing is part of being honest, and the freedom to be honest evidences the maturity, trust and respect in the relationship. One can still be supportive, and disagree - because in the end it's really the person you are supporting, not the process. This is, after all, a couple relationship, not a professional/business one.


• Support Means Doing What You Can, So That The Decision-maker Will Be Successful.   It's about availing yourself to the person. Don't sit back and keep silent. This is an important point. The word "support" is a verb - it demands action. But what if you don't think the decision is the right one? Refer to (1) & (2) and seek to clarify the issue first. If it doesn't come to an agreement, you'll still need to decide if you will support or not. If you do, walk the talk; else, it's no different from passive objection. But what if you don't? Well, that's a topic for another article, and for another day. :)

Technorati Tags: couplehood, how-to, support, support, 7 habits

Has Work Taken Over Our Lives?

I was catching up with an old buddy yesterday over a quiet dinner at a café near his place. Like me, he had just left his first job, and somewhat eagerly anticipating the new one. Inevitably, we were soon chewing the fat on "life and work in Singapore".

Work-Life Imbalances
As we waxed philosophical on the importance of work-life balance, we talked about how many of our contemporaries (ourselves even) had fallen into the "work trap". Apparently, some of our ex-schoolmates were pulling long hours well up to midnight, with work left to spillover to the weekends. Ouch.  

Everybody's Into The Long Haul 
Name the job - Teachers, Copywriters, Journalists, people in Finance, staff at MacDonald's (now 24hrs) - in less than a generation, extreme working hours have become commonplace. There's hardly time for anything else apart from work or  recovering from it.

Some Simple Maths, If You Please
Let's look at a typical week of some friends of ours:

Activity	Time Spent	Percentage of a Waking Hours (24hrs x 7 days = 168hrs)
Working Hours	12hrs x 5 = 60hrs   Or   12hrs x 6days = 72hrs	36%         43%
Showering /Dressing up /Cleaning up	1hr x 7days = 7hrs	4%
Traveling (work or play)	1.5hrs x 7days= 10.5hrs	6%
Meals	1.5hrs x 7days= 10.5hrs	6%

That leaves about 47% - 40% of the week to do everything else including sleep. In actual hours, that works out to 68 - 80 hours a week, or 10 - 11 hours of "free" personal time a day. Clock in your 8 hours of sleep, and you'll be left with about 14 hours weekly, or 2 hours daily on average. Oh wait, that also includes the weekend break of a day (if they allow themselves that luxury) which works out to mere minutes of free time on the weekdays.

Feeling tired yet?
I was. For almost 2 years, when I was in my previous "high-tempo" job, I had to pull those same hours. So, I speak from experience - if you're working hard to build that career (and I trust you have good reason to), I hope you took all the risks into consideration - be it your health, the spouse, the kids, or your sanity. Take time to settle your priorities, because if Dr. Covey is right, then "Nobody on their death bed wished they'd spent more time at the office" - something worth thinking about when you're in your cubicle at 11:30pm.

Links:

• How Many Hours Do You Need To Sleep?
• Wikipedia's Entry on Working Time
• Working Long Hours And Health Children Spend Less Than 20mins with Working Parents Daily
• Do Long Hours Contribute To Divorce?

Technorati Tags: life, over time, office, time management, work, work life balance

Wedding Advice: By The Gohs

We've been very blessed to have many couples drop me tips on how to make our wedding work. I don't think preparations would be as smooth as they are now if not for their advice.

Today, I'd like to share something Liang Song discussed with me over email. He's got some great tips to share on Church weddings and family finances.

1. Wedding dates + Church events = Fatigue(?)

Do weddings have to be planned around church events? We grappled with this situation too. On the one hand, our personal event should not overshadow or cripple church events and functions, especially when we also depend on church brethren for help. On the other, if church events get their way over personal events, are we not then elevating the importance of church over personal life? It can be a difficult balance, especially so when the other ministry leaders were not able to help put down dates, it becomes quite difficult on one's end to put down some dates, especially since all other relevant planning revolves around the planned date.

We were finally able to get a date of 3rd June. Thank God for the planning, as it happened to be when Fuhui was fairly free of school activities. Similarly, it was the holiday period for me in RP, so there was less work then. VBS would start on the week of 4th June, so the brethren were able to help. We also reduced the number of brethren helping out, by specifically requesting for no choral specials nor orchestral accompaniment.
Don't worry about fatigue. There is a joy in helping out brethren, especially on their big day.

[Adrian's Note: I agree that it's a tough balance. To make matters worse, Angela's job at the school doesn't leave much of a choice for the wedding date, hence the December date (peak period). We're glad for the Singapore Swimming Club, not only because it's near both our homes, but setting up and cleaning after will be taken care of. Good foresight methinks, because I understand that there's a teens camp just before our wedding.]

2. Credit cards - Journey to an insurmountable debt?

I have come across arguments which say credit cards are good, and also those which say credit cards are bad. Of course, working through the arguments back down to the premises and assumptions, you find that they come from different camps. My view is that, as a financial product, it is somewhat neutral, but capable of doing good (of course, this is questionable) and definitely plenty of bad (no questions on this, though). That is to say, there is nothing wrong with subscribing to a credit card, but the wanton use of it will lead to debt, especially if you splurge on gadgets and such.

Personally, I use my credit card to pay my utilities bill, with the advantage that it offers me cash rebates. My brother also expounds the fact that by using credit cards, you don't have to actually pay until sometime later, unlike other payment methods; of course, it is this very facility that leads many astray and end up spending much more than they can afford.

Using credit cards for big-ticket purchases via instalment payments is also a useful feature. Of course, miss out on one payment and watch the accumulated amount climb skyhigh with those interest rates! Also, it is very easy to sign off on many big-ticket purchases, one after another. For us, we don't buy what we cannot already afford, i.e. we already have the cash to pay for the purchase.

Having said all these, it amounts to one thing: financial discipline. One must have the discipline to commit to a budget, and one must have the discipline to draw up a budget that makes sense. I consistently budget for much, much less than what I bring home, to ensure that I have surpluses that can be drawn upon in an emergency situation, or just to save up.

[Adrian's Note: Credits cards are evil about 90% of the time, except when they give good discounts - but that would usually require you to purchase really expensive things. The last time that happened was when I was shopping for the proposal ring, where I enjoyed an eye-watering discount. I'm not closed to the idea of employing the credit card limits as a budgeting tool, but that only works if you set your credit limit to $500 and endeavor to pay everything by card.]

Technorati Tags: family, how-to, home building, husband and wife, marriage, wedding planning

Roles in the Marriage: The Breadwinner

Who Will Wear The Pants?

Our most recent wedding counseling session was spent revisiting the Biblically-defined roles of the man and the wife in the marriage. More specifically, we talked about the the ministry of the man and wife to each other.

Modern Roles of the Wife
The roles of the wife have undergone a radical shift in the 21st century. Ours is a time that marks the emancipation of the urban female. She has been blessed with equal (or at least increasingly equal) education and occupational opportunities. As a result, many of her sisters have discarded their aprons and spatulas, choosing instead to adorn themselves with power suits and Louis Vuitton bags, making their mark in the corporate world . 

 

Changing Roles of the Husband
The traditional roles - in terms of who the main breadwinner is - is quickly finding an equality between man and wife. A study by Harvard revealed that 30% of working women earn more than their spouses; in fact, if wives are having incomes surpassing their husbands, it may be good economic sense for fathers stay home instead to look after the kids, if the couple had to choose between each other.

 

The Need for Each Other: Husband and Wife
If I were arguing for the wives to stay home, it would be too easy to plead the case on account of the children. There are no doubts in my mind on how vital a mother's nurturing love is to a child during his formative years, and even for the years beyond - and I'll have research to prove it. More difficult, perhaps, is to argue the need for the wife to avail herself to attend to the needs of her husband, and vice versa.

 

There's This Book I'm Reading
Apart from God's Word, I'm working on a book called "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley, Jr. I'm not done with it yet, but 2 chapters in, I'm surprised at the level of frankness that Dr. Harley uses as he approaches the topic of needs. In the opening chapters, Dr. Harley details a man's needs for sexual fulfillment, and the lady's needs for intimate affection. As I read that, it struck me how sad and confused we are as a society: we have men's magazines painting the sexual desire as a pornographic experience, and in the other corner, we have Amazonesque female magazines describing the wife's needs for affection as a weakness. Both are natural yearnings meant to be fulfilled in a relationship between man and wife.

 

I'll Have To Revisit This In Two (or More) Months
As close as I am to 1st December, truth is, I'm still not married. Yet, as I understand more of God's design for the husband and the wife, I am challenged to rethink my views on how the needs of the husband and wife have to be found and met within the marriage. So for once, dear reader, I'll have to leave you hanging. I could conjecture and theorize all day, but nothing will beat having walked the path, and living to blog about it.

Till then, then.

Hmong Update: Relief Effort & Trip

The Thai Alps: A View From The Hmong Village

Fund Raising Bazaar: Great Success!
Eugene's been having some good success with the fund raising, with over S$500 raised to support the Hmong relief effort. He's got more to report at his blog.

Fund Raising Relief Trip
Also, he'll be organizing a fund-raising relief trip to the Hmong from the 17th to 22nd of October, not only to help with the relief items to the Hmong, but also to tour and personally visit to minister to them. There will also be some R&R in Chang Mai. Proceeds from the trip will be directed to support the effort with the Hmong and the orphanage there. See more here.

Technorati Tags: bazaar, hmong, relief, support

A Really Sweet Wedding: Gary & Jazreel Get Married

 I'm just home from a wedding of one of Angela's closest friends, and what a sweet wedding it was (no pictures until the couple "okays" it!). I was touched when I sensed an intimacy between the couple and all the guests - something missing, in my opinion, in many of the gargantuan-wedding-dinners-with-a-gazillion-guests ceremonies.

They're an adorable couple, and both Angela and I wish them a wonderful marriage. Cherish every moment together!

 

Technorati Tags: gary and jazreel, wedding

Book Review: The 10 Commandments of Dating

10 Commandments Of Dating

I'm not a big fan of contemporary dating (as in "playing the game" and "chasing") thing. Never have been.

I'm more an advocate of activity-based courtship (for  example, getting to know each other through sports, organized excursions, projects outside of work, etc) and group outings - them being comfortable, non-stressful and - most importantly - safe ways to meet and get to know someone better. I believe it's possible to continue meeting in group/small group settings, having one-on-one moments perhaps over Instant Messaging/Phone calls; until which time both decide it's time to take things a step further (i.e. engagement or marriage). It's sounds peculiar for our times, and is probably hard to do, but it's possible. And considering the tough time teens and young adults are having dating these days, it's not a bad idea to protect yourself from a very cruel world.

But on to the book.

The 10 Commandments of Dating, by Ben Young and Dr. Samuel Adams

The premise, according to the authors, is that there are many couples out there who are engaging in faulty and destructive relationships. Most of these relationships are a result of erroneous assumptions and expectations, which the authors attribute to "Hollywood-influenced" contemporary dating.

Laying Down the Law
10 Commandments of Dating lays down 10 (plus 1) common-sense guidelines and to-dos on dating. It's great that they share their Christian convictions in plain words, with none of the Christian pseudo-psychology that's emerging these days. I'll list them out here:

1. Thou Shalt Have A Life (Or, Don't be desperately looking for relationships at the expense of having a meaningful relationship with the Lord, and existence)
2. Thou Shalt Use Your Brain (Or, Don't love blindly and foolishly)
3. Thou Shalt be Equally Yoked (Or, Don't date someone with a different religious background from you)
4. Thou Shalt Take It Slow (Or, Don't rush into physical, emotional, psychological, yes, even spiritual, intimacy)
5. Thou Shalt Set Clear Boundaries (Or, Protect yourself and give yourself freedom within well-defined and agreed-uponlimits)
6. Thou Shalt Save Sex For Later (Or, Keep sexual satisfaction within the marriage, never outside of it)
7. Thou Shalt Not Play House (Or, Don't co-habit)
8. Thou Shalt Fight Fairly (Or, Seek first to understand, then to be understood)
9. Thou Shalt Not Ignore The Warning Signs (Or, Look out for signals that indicate a bad mate)
10. Thou Shalt Choose Wisely (Or, Don't make a lousy decision)
11. Thou Shalt Take Action (Or, Don't procrastinate)

Common or Uncommon Sense
Definitely good sense - but common sense? If what the authors say is true, reality - the fact that more than 50% of marriages fail - seems to show that it's probably otherwise. I'm glad the authors make great points, and are scripturally sound; but it was great to see them cite statistics of relationships failing to follow any one of these principles. For example, while they discussed Commandment 7, they noted that the Houston Chronicle reported that couples who "Test Drive" or cohabit have a 80% chance of failing in their marriage, and a Washington State researcher showed that females in a co-habiting relationships are twice as likely to experience domestic violence. Statistics like these are paradigm changing, and should make anyone consider their true intentions for co-habiting.

Solutions for Fixing & Leaving Faulty Relationships
The authors also provide advice on how to fix and/or leave faulty relationships. Well-meant, I'm sure, but I am skeptical on how strong the human resolve is when it comes to overcoming needs for companionship in order to resolve these "broken commandments". There are more foundational issues than transgressing the 10 commandments alone, and applying a "Band-Aid Rip" (pg 147) isn't particularly good advice. A strong support group might be able to provide the care that is needed for recovery. For the Christian, many of these issues may find a solution in prayerful ministry and counsel, ultimately aimed at restoring a good relationship with the Lord.

Final Thoughts
Overall, it's a good read. It covers many perspectives on the subject, not sparing detail on application and moving forward from relationships. Often, that could be just what's needed to get a start on moving on - knowing the right steps, and how to take them.

Technorati Tags: dating, how-to, books