"... That We May Support Each Other... "

Angela and I often find ourselves discussing the topic of support for each other's decisions and actions. You've heard of the situation; especially life decisions that require changes to the status quo, like changing jobs, emigrating, new hobbies, etc.

Tough Discussions
It's been a thorny topic, mostly because we've found that our respective views on the issue of support were fundamentally different. Recently, I've had to make some pretty big changes in my life in the past year or so (job, loans, increased financial responsibilities). It usually ends in long discussions (read: quarrels), but we've been able to sort the issue out, and have emerged the better for it.

A Few Tips
So, if you've decided to give support to your significant other (in the context of non-morally offensive matters, of course), we've put together a list of to-dos and to-do-nots for the person who gives the support (the "support-giver") to the one who needs support (the "decision-maker"):

• Support Means Seeking First To Understand.   The first half of one of the legendary seven habits of highly effective people. Chances are, when a big decision falls on a couple's lap, there's going to be friction. Often the decision-maker is already in conflict - he/she won't need more nagging or quarreling to push him/her into frustration. Support here means being patient enough to hear and listen to the other, and to fully understand their position, no matter how you feel about the decision.


• Support Means Seeking To Be Understood.   The other half of the fifth habit. It's utterly essential that the support-giver be totally clear to the decision-maker about how the former feels. As the support-giver, you may be entirely "for" or "against" the decision, or somewhere in between - whatever the case, don't let the decision-maker assume. The support-giver can either be a source of encouragement or honest criticism. Just don't be a source of confusion.


• Support Does Not Necessarily Mean Agreement.   Agreement will certainly make things easier, but it will not always be the case. Disagreeing is part of being honest, and the freedom to be honest evidences the maturity, trust and respect in the relationship. One can still be supportive, and disagree - because in the end it's really the person you are supporting, not the process. This is, after all, a couple relationship, not a professional/business one.


• Support Means Doing What You Can, So That The Decision-maker Will Be Successful.   It's about availing yourself to the person. Don't sit back and keep silent. This is an important point. The word "support" is a verb - it demands action. But what if you don't think the decision is the right one? Refer to (1) & (2) and seek to clarify the issue first. If it doesn't come to an agreement, you'll still need to decide if you will support or not. If you do, walk the talk; else, it's no different from passive objection. But what if you don't? Well, that's a topic for another article, and for another day. :)

Technorati Tags: couplehood, how-to, support, support, 7 habits

Comments

[Suwei Ong]

As a wife who has been married to a wonderful godly man almost 9 yrs now, "support" to me means, I'll give my views but I'll respect and carry out his final decision. I guess I have a healthy respect for my husband's insight into the given situation and I am fully assured that he does give an open ear to my input.

In my intial years being married, I used to fluster like a headless chicken whenever I felt he wasn't moving things as quickly as I felt it needed. My instincts would kick in and want to take things into my own hands.

The hardest part was (and is) submitting.

But I have a gentle leader who is very patient. Yet he still does what he needs to do that is right in God's sight. So it makes it easier for me to follow his lead.

In the end, it is an issue of the heart and fulfilling the roles that God intended for a man (the leader) and a woman (the "help meet") in a marriage.

Blessings to you. :O)

[Adrian Koh]

It's great that you and Bro. Dan make such a good team! :)

Thanks for sharing!

~A.

[Anntonii]

You don't know me but that's not going to stop me from wishing all the best for the both of you...

[Adrian Koh]

@ Anntonii: Thanks for the well wishes! :)

[Yeeloong]

Agreed with experience; my better half Ivonne (yes, I'm engaged for those who know me) often discuss with me , and offer her view for lots of things; it has been good of her to never be firm and insist on her way in my decisions except for the blatantly wrong ones... abashedly seems i have lots more to learn about mutual support , for me , making decision is more about deciding what thing to decide about , and not to decide.... good though that older woman have patience with guys