A Few Thoughts On "His Needs Her Needs"

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage

I’ve been talking a lot about this book lately. Now that I'm reaching the final pages, I can’t help but feel in awe of the immense dedication required – and I mean “required” in the strongest sense - to make a relationship successful.

If there’s a single lesson I’m taking away from this book, it’s the fact that spouses often fail to recognize and fulfill each other’s needs within the marriage. This triggers the starved partner to find something (or more tragically, someone) outside the marriage to answer that need.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not assigning blame here. I'm still trying to understand this concept of meeting mutual needs, and I'm nowhere close to being an expert. I do, though, take Dr. Harley's point on identifying the needs to help couples establish their priorities for each other. According to him, this helps create an environment of positive feelings toward each other and happiness in a marriage.

I'll just outline the ten needs that were stated in the book, as I think more about the book in the coming days.

1. The First Thing She Can't Do Without - Affection
2. The First Thing He Can't Do Without - Sexual Fulfillment
3. She Needs Him To Talk To Her - Conversation
4. He Needs Her To Be His Playmate - Recreational Companionship
5. She Needs Him To Trust Him Totally - Honesty and Open-ness
6. He Needs A Good-looking Wife - An Attractive Spouse
7. She Needs Enough Money To Live Comfortably - Financial Support
8. He Needs Peace And Quiet - Domestic Support
9. She Needs Him To Be A Good Father - Family Commitment
10. He Needs Her To Be Proud Of Him - Admiration

It has to be said that this list is not an exercise in gender stereotyping - in fact, the author dives deep to show that though these are very basic mutual human desires, the truth remains that the sexes are designed differently, and hence tend to treat each desire with dissimilar importance. This creates the different perspectives of men and women to the list above (some as merely "good-to-have" rather than "necessary"). 

I'll post a review once I'm fully done with the book.

Technorati Tags: books, counsel, couplehood, how-to, husband and wife, marriage, needs

Comments

[Yeeloong]

Agreed -

My better half is always saying about how "women give sex to get love" , and men "give love to get sex"

Different needs basically

[Jill]

This book made me sad. How sad that a man needs sex, someone to play with, and someone who is good looking as his top three needs. His top three needs are SHALLOW!! I think a blow-up doll would do it!!

[Adrian]

Hi Jill, thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment.

While I don't think that ranking works for everyone, I do agree that the ten of them are needs, and not just "good-to-haves".

If they are needs, then it doesn't really matter how they are ranked, doesn't it?

I'd love to hear more of your opinions on what goes into making a good relationship. My wife and I are just making it through our first year, and it's been an interesting journey so far!

Mostly because of David, our two-month old.

See you around!

[Dave]

Jill,

It isn't sad, it's reality. It's the basic differences between the sexes. Just as you think it's "sad" that men have those needs, there are men who are confused as to why women think conversation & money & affection are SO important to women. And yes, we are speaking generally, because there are men who don't care what their women look like, or how much sex they get, as long as their woman shows them affection. And there are women who think that pinching a penny or having an attractive man is much more important than just about anything else.

As stated, these are 10 needs that are basic to every relationship. Their rank is individually dependent. While you may put being a good parent as #1, another woman might put sex as #1.

Don't be close-minded. And WHATEVER you do, don't try to pass judgment on people who have been married for a long time and are trying to figure out how to make each other happy until you have been there, done it, and are currently wearing the T-shirt of happiness.

I hope that your experience is one where you and your mate have similar rankings, I think it will make your life easier.

Good luck!

[Adrian]

@Dave: Great points. Needs are one thing, but it must be left to the couple to work out the details.

[Rachel]

I also read a book called "For Women Only" that is from a Christian perspective and suggests that it is not that men must have a wife who is beautiful, but must have one who values her appearance and how she looks to others. Women dress up and look pretty when they want to attract a man. If a wife never bothers to dress up and look nice for her husband, it's a sign that she thinks she no longer needs to attract him, and that says to him he's not important to her the way he was when she was trying to "win" him. That book also pointed out that it's the effort, and what the effort means, that means the most to guys. It says to him, "you're worth the effort to continue attracting." I'm married to a man who is incredibly sensitive towards me, shows me affection, and makes sure I know how much he loves me. My husband is not at all shallow, but I have learned that paying attention to those first three needs are essential to making him feel good about himself and our marriage. I pay attention to our sex life and my physical appearance because it's important to him,even when sometimes I don't feel like having sex or looking nice. The amazing thing is how much it means to him that I make the effort to make him happy even when I'm not into it. He does the same for me- working a job that is not his cup of tea at all because it provides the money we need and taking the time to talk through things, even unpleasant things, to make sure I feel understood. It's about being unselfish in your approach to each other, and really seeking out the happiness of your spouse. When you're both doing that, and God is helping you do that, it is so incredible how close your relationship becomes!

[Adrian Koh]

@Rachel,

Thanks for sharing that. That's an insight that I think everyone should have in marriage.

You mentioned that it's unselfishness that's needed, but the couple has everything to gain when they complete each other's needs like that.

It's a wonderful reminder for me and my wife. Thanks for that, Rachel :)

[Kristin]

What if one partner does not recognize any of these 10 things as needs, and instead views them as desirable in a relationship, but unnecessary? I'm currently reading this book and I realize the importance of meeting each others' needs in a relationship, especially because I often feel like my own are not being fulfilled. I'm willing to accept that my boyfriend's needs are likely not the same as my own, however, he admits to me that he doesn't have any. How can I cope with the fact that there is nothing I can do to contribute to his happiness? Whats more, how will he ever be able to recognize and fulfill my needs?

[Adrian Koh]

Thanks Kristin, for sharing your thoughts.

It's not easy for anyone to admit to having needs such as these. Food, air, water - sure, but sex? Playmate? Trust? Well, I was skeptical too.

My personal experience: I had to swallow my pride before telling my wife that there were needs I needed fulfilment in.

I'd like you to think through this with me. Let's suppose for a moment that your partner does in fact have needs, but he's somewhat hesitant - like I once was - to admit it.

If that's the case, he's likely to have other avenue to satisfy those needs. Some devote themselves with work, sports or obsessive gaming (it helps to distract attention away from the real needs).

I don't know enough right now to say where you and your partner are failing to meet each other's needs. Still, I'd like to share a friend's method's of getting round this.

She dedicated herself to becoming her partner's playmate. She picked up gaming (and got really good at it) and spent time competing with him for high scores. The time spent playing together began to build bonds between them. It soon became a channel for her and her partner to become more intimate.

I'm not saying that's the solution you should take, but perhaps you'd like to consider how you can start to connect through his interests.

Let me know how it goes! :)

[Angela]

I agree with Yeelong - it is sad that men have these shallow needs. What if a spouse cannot participate in recreational companionship because of a disability; yet, the husband attends every home football game, plays softball every Sunday (before the football game), is at 2 or 3 Parks and Rec meetings during the spring/summer, and also works 40 to 60 hours per week???

[Sky Storm]

Sad? What is sad is that you think your needs are important and his are not. Needs are needs, and if they are not met by you, they will be met by someone or something else. That is reality. You indicated that the male needs listed are shallow, but fail to realize that men would view many female's needs as shallow. You think sexual fulfillment and having an invloved life partner are more shallow needs than conversation and money? Relationships are a two way street, and if you don't learn that soon, your relationship will not last long. (That lesson is for the males too).

[Adrian Koh]

Excellent points, all.

Thanks, @Sky Storm, for your candid contribution. You're right, males need to hear about - and act on - how they should be meeting needs of their mates too.

It's been nearly 2 years since I've read this book, and there isn't a day when I'm not mindful of my needs and my wife's in the relationship, especially when they are not met.

For every instance where the mate fails to meet the needs of the other, a breach of trust occurs. It's not just an issue of dependence on another (which some might balk at) but one of trust.

And that's what it comes down to for me. No trust, no relationship.

[Randy Whitesell]

I enjoyed reading all the comments! Did you know that there's a marriage enhancement course based on this book, His Needs, Her Needs? It's called Dynamic Marriage. You can read about it and other marriage enhancements at www.familydynamics.net.
My wife and I facilitate this course in Orlando, Florida and believe it's one of the best classes that we've seen (that's why we're involved in it). We've been married for 39 years and we've seen a lot of marriage classes.
It would do everyone good to check out the Family Dynamics web site and see if there's a Dynamic Marriage class starting near you.

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