Couplehood

The Wedding Site Recce And Other Things

Our Pretty Flower Girls

Getting Stuff Done
I'm very thankful to all the brothers and sisters in Church who've been truly helpful. We spent a nice afternoon fellowshipping and touring the site for the wedding, as most haven't had a chance to see the place yet. Seriously, I wonder where we would be right now if not for their help. Thanks especially to Pastor Mak, Ziyang, the Chans, the Ongs, the Ongs, the Sngs, and the Sngs. Many more go unmentioned (with apologies)  for their wonderful help. Which only makes me hope that a lifetime will be long enough to return the favors.

Still Rather Weak
I'm still recovering, and it's been 3 weeks. It's interesting how a virus that I've already defeated can come back again to beat me up silly. While I'm well on the road to recovery, it's still someways from 100%. Note to uninitiated: shingles/chicken pox in your adulthood is going to be one of the worst non-terminal diseases you're going to get.


31 Days, And November's 2 Days Away
We're counting down, and with a handy widget from Yahoo, it's ever before us, reminding us that we really don't have many days left. Over the next few weeks, we've probably only got one weekend to relax and catch our breath.

I'm Going to Try to Blog More Regularly; I Miss It Heaps
I do, and I think it's a great time to keep track of the progress and reflect on the way here. Just a list of stuff that's coming up:

1. Last Week's Marriage counseling
2. Book Review on "His Needs, Her Needs" - But I'm holding this off until after the wedding. Special reasons, see.
3. Finding Things to Do When You're Down With the Shingles (A two line post)
   

Technorati Tags: adrian and angela, Couplehacks, wedding planning

Walking Up These Steps in 39 Days Time

My Hands Are Kinda Full
So I'm blogging less often. It's been loaded the past few days with wedding errands (customary plastic things, slippers, bolsters, pillows, beddings, cards, coordinating, etc). There are going to be even more things to coordinate and fine tune as we move closer to the date, and that why I'm very thankful for God's people (the folks at Maranatha Baptist Church) for being very supportive and helpful. *Bows*

Welcoming The New Us
It was nice how both our families were gradually gearing up to the day; not only that, but how they were taking steps to adjust to our new life as a couple. Loads of advice and help from them, which I'm rather grateful for. I was especially surprised when My mum sweetly offered to let Angela cook on some days - a nice gesture as Angela gets added into the family. (I'm not a fool, though, to think that every thing's going to be sweet and rosy, but it's a great start).

Recovering The Old Me
I'm thankful for the speedy recovery. I've got to catch up on the wedding prep, but also, there's stuff to get done at work. Seeing how I'm looking to clear nearly 20 days of leave for the wedding (did I mention we're going to Tassie?) I'm going to work on clearing the desk before I go for that long honeymoon break.

Technorati Tags: angela and adrian, husband and wife, marriage, wedding, wedding preparations

Finally, Back On My Feet!

Heya Everyone! I'm finally feeling better enough to sit in front of a PC to write! I'm still feeling a little lethargic from all the meds I've been taking, but as the effect wears off, I'll be up and ready for getting all prepped for the BIG DAY. Only 44 days, gentle readers!

Thankful To God For The Timing
I'm thankful to the Good Lord (as many people have been telling me to be) that this episode came long enough before the wedding. Surely, I would have preferred not getting ill and all - but I'm thankful all the same that there's still enough time to ensure everything gets done. Phew - it's a long to do list!

Short, But Just For Today
I'll keep this short for today, mostly because I've got some other posts boiling in the back. Just to share on the events from the days past: those days of quarantine have been filled with pretty interesting things, having had all that time to lie down and think about the the big event and life in general; the lady and I had long conversations (read: arguments) on where we're headed; I've had long chats with some friends on the how married life is going to change things; I've received some unexpected blessings from dear friends; and, most of all, that God's still in control of all the things that have been happening. That perhaps has been most assuring.

Time to get back to work.

Technorati Tags: adrian, sick, wedding, wedding planning

A Faith-Full Marriage, By Paul Chapell

 "A Faith Full Marriage" is a Fundamental Baptist's guide on building Biblical marriages. The book covers a good deal of topics in less than 90 pages, focusing on a step-by-step approach on building, and in some senses restoring, a marriage. I'm glad it starts with a firm position on getting right spiritually first, settling man's (and wife's) relationship with the Lord first before working on the one between husband and wife.

Nice, tight package, lots of fantastic Bible references ( I loved the exposition on Ephesians 5:25, 100% commitment, and 100% acceptance). I wish it were longer in certain parts, particularly on practical application.

My apologies in advance: I'm not up to doing a review or a lengthy post on the book right now. That's mostly because I'm running a fever, but also because I'm not as lucid as I'd like to be when I'm writing. I'd like to share, though, a story from the book that struck a chord with me (seeing how the line of men in my family are prone to Alzheimer's).

These are two letters, the first sent from a man who had an early onset of Alzheimer's Disease. He realized that he will slowly lose the memories of his wife, and his family, even though they are right there beside him. In his hopelessness, he wrote a letter to his wife:

Honey,

Today fear is taking over. The day is coming when all my memories of this life we share will be gone. In fact, you and the boys will be gone from me. I will lose you even as I am surrounded by you and your love. I don't want to leave you. I want to grow old in the warmth of memories. Forgive me for leaving so slowly and painfully.

But in his desperation, was her assurance - and her tearful, moving reply.

My sweet husband,

What will happen when we get to the point were you no longer know me? I will continue to go on loving you and caring for you - not because you know me and remember our life, but because I remember you. I will remember the man who proposed to me and told me he loved me, the look on his face when his children were born, the father he was, the way he loved our extended family. I'll recall his love for riding, hiking, and reading; his tears at sentimental movies; the unexpected witty remarks; and how he held my hand when we prayed. I cherish the pleasure, the obligation, commitment, and opportunity to care for you because... I remember you."

This book is available here.

Technorati Tags: couplehood, family, husband and wife, marriage, support

I'm Down And Flat Out

I'm wondering how I got it. It's a toss up between chicken pox and its shingles variant (being the same virus); but whatever it is, I'm sick of being sleepy/asleep the whole day. I think I've been awake only 7 hours the past day or so. Oh well.

I can't really recall if I've had the pox before, but the symptoms seem more consistent with shingles - It's painful, it's itchy, and I'm feeling like a bag of rags.

The trip to the doctor's was pretty interesting, We had each other laughing within 30 seconds of entering (but I won't say why). At the end of it, he told me his diagnosis (he thinks it's shingles), then prescribed some really expensive pills ($94!!) and off I went. After starting the course of pain-altering pills, all I can remember of Tuesday was brief moments of consciousness followed by some blurry impression of food. I'm better today, mostly because I'm staying clear of the pain-altering pills to finish some office work.

Angela's been very nice, offering to cook for me and trying that chocolate melt cake recipe we've been thinking of trying. That's over and above the stuff My mum's been stuffing my face with, as mums tend to. I'm undoubtedly pampered, but I really wish I weren't in this state. Got to heal faster!

Well, at least now, if I don't make it to blog as often, you'll know why. Toodles!

Technorati Tags: pox, sick, medicine

Marriage Counseling: What Needs To Be Done

 

I’m mulling over a comment I got a few weeks ago from my wedding counselor (also pastor, and friend) who told me that I've got to start letting go of singlehood, and start preparing for Angela to come into my life. “Don’t be married singles!” was his firm advice, which begged the question: What changes do I need to make as I switch from singlehood to couplehood?

Less Time On The Distractions
Heh. Well, Angela thinks I’m a 'net addict, but I’m firmly resisted the label. I can prove that there have been long spans of time where I’m neither on a computer nor hooked up to the internet. It’s called sleep.

Okay, seriously. I’m going establish a habit for “No-Distraction Time” – and the first step’s already taken. I've taken out all the computers in the couple room, except for the Mac Mini, which is probably going to serve as a media center more than anything else. All other distractions like books, magazines, and TV will be minimized (TV is Angela's weakness). Man, I’m feel cold turkey-ish already.

(… and following that) More Time Together For The First Year
The first year’s important, yes? I've heard that in some older Jewish traditions, the newly weds cease all forms of work for 1 to 2 years just so that they can work on building the marriage. Sadly, we don’t have that luxury,  and we've got bills to pay. That doesn't mean we can execute that in spirit, by prioritizing the marriage above all other humanly relations.

Actually, It’s All About Small Steps
Patience is a virtue, and if what the ladies on Real Simple say are right, then it's going to take some time to get used to each other. There are old habits that we're going to need to drop, and similarly, new habits to will need to be cultivated. Inevitably, there are going to be rough spots, but with the right amount of patience, and the acknowledgment that both of us need to put in effort, I think we'll be able to work things out.

Bye bye, singlehood. It's been nice knowing you.

Technorati Tags: counsel, couplehood, wedding, wedding preparations

I've Been A Little Caught Up

Gentle readers, I'm about 55 days away from the big day. And, as Murphy would have it, work's starting to pick up. So, with all of it coming together, I'm finding less opportunities to finish the few articles I'm currently working on. I'm going to do my bestest to get it all done - but do be patient as we work on putting together our very big day!

Here's a busy-bee to do list for the next few weeks, to give you an idea on what we will be working on:

Some Thing To Handle, Like, Now

• Ask for help for the cards
• Write the cards
• Send the cards
• Test for attendance
• Cake coupons for relatives
• Roast Pig (I'm serious)
• Dowry
• Final fitting for the outfits
• Polish teeth
• Ang pow paper
• $2/$10/$50 notes
• Confirm tickets with Chan Brothers
• Book hotel at Tassie
• Buy map of Tassie
• Collect more notes on Tassie
• Plan out the road trip on a map
• Pray Pray Pray

Morning Events

• Picking Up The Bride
• Gather a group of Brothers
• Prepare video tapes and charge batteries
• Find cars for transport
• Prepare for a tekan session to remember
• Tea Ceremony
• Prepare tea cups and pot for Angela's family
• Confirm change of clothes
• Mum's movement

Church Reception @ Singapore Swimming Club:

• Preparing and Decorating
• Ask someone to help Aunty Ivy with the transportation of flowers the day before (preparation)
• Ask someone to help Aunty Ivy with the transportation of flowers the morning of the big day (fresh flowers)
• Decide if the chair covers are worth paying for
• Decide on the decorations on the stage (if any)
• Ask someone to coordinate the bringing of the non-flower logistics (table cloth, wires, tape, scissors, pens, signing book, ang pow bag, ring pillow, etc)
• Music and Ceremony
• Choose processional music
• Ask someone to be the Emcee/Song Leader
• Choose hymns for the singing
• Decide if we would want a special during the signing, and what song it would be
• Ask Angela's brother if he'll lend us his digital piano

Dinner @ Regent

• Get a honeymoon room
• Confirm outfit changes
• Work on getting the night over and done with as soon as we can.

Honeymoon

• Confirm car with Chan Brothers
• Schedule a moment at
• Buy some instant mee
• Pack bags 2 days prior to flying off
• Ready all the throw away shirts

Yeah, something like that. That's a core dump of what I think needs action on. I'll update this list as we go along!

Technorati Tags: adrian and angela, wedding, wedding planning

Five Love Languages

The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate

I was told about this concept (and the book) about a year back when I was talking to my friend about his wedding preparation. I took to the idea rather instantly, because I saw how much sense it made in relationships - not only the marriage, but in friendships and other interpersonal exchanges. (Adrian's Note: There are areas of doctrine where I disagree with Dr. Chapman, but for this post I'll be concentrating on the contents of his book.)

Why Speaking The Right Love Language Is Important
Think of the confusion at the Tower of Babel - no one was communicating because their languages were different. It's a powerful paradigm, which helps shed new light on the common problems faced by couples.

When I was doing some research on online family forums, I found it particularly heart-wrenching reading the posts where the betrayed spouse had worked so hard at making the marriage work. Yet you get the feeling that most of their hard effort was going to waste because the wandering spouse simply didn't see their labor as a sign of affection - even worse, they read their effort as emotional blackmail. As I mentioned before, I'm not assigning blame here. I'm just hoping this post will help in some small way to understand a problem that many relationships - even mine - face.

A Summary (Just For You)
Just quickly browsing through the different"languages of love" - Words of Affirmation; Quality Time: Receiving Gifts: Acts of Service: Physical Touch - you'll quickly realize the meaning behind them is deeper than it looks. Each even comes with its own "dialects"! Not to worry though, I've provided a pre-digested summary here for your brisk reading pleasure, but please note, all credit goes to "Five Love Languages" website.

Words of Affirmation
Verbal appreciation, praise, and encouragement speaks powerfully to these persons. By saying “You look great in that suit,” or “You must be the best baker in the world! I love your oatmeal cookies,” could go far in making this person feel loved. Similiarly, encouragment during a difficult decision, praise for progress made on a project; or just verbally acknowledging a person’s unique perspective will also do much to boost confidence and self-assurance in the person.

Quality Time
Quality time is more than mere proximity. It’s about focusing all your energy on your mate. This includes "quality conversation" which involves sharing experiences, thoughts, feelings and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context; with the liberty to expose emotions while expecting unflinching attention from their mate. It also means quality activities, meaning physical time spent together doing activities that they love to do. This can be sports, games, or even lazing by the beach. It's the mutual enjoyment, and not the activity, that is in focus here.

Receiving Gifts
A person who "speaks" this love language treasures gifts, be it an item or your physical self, as an expression of love and devotion. Conversely,  a lack of gifts represents a lack of love from their mate. Luckily, this love language is one of the easiest to learn. It may mean that mates have to learn to change their attitude about money, and their own selves. If you are used to saving money or keeping to yourself, you will need to put effort to adjust to embrace this concept. Gifts of items and self are to be given as often as possible, but do not need to be costly.

Acts of Service
Sometimes simple chores or helping out in an area of work can be a expression of love. Just as Jesus demonstrated when he washed the feet of his disciples, doing humble chores can be a very powerful display of love and devotion to your mate. Very often, both pairs in a couple will speak to the Acts of Service Language. However, it is very important to understand what acts of service your mate most appreciates. equally important is to make sure it is done out of love and not obligation. A mate who does chores and helps out around the house out of guilt or fear will inevitably not be speaking a language of love, but a language of resentment.

Physical Touch
Many mates feel the most loved when they receive physical contact from their partner. Like acts of service, it is important to discover how your partner responds physically and psychologically to this love language. Also, the manner of the physical touch differs in different situations. In a crisis situation, a hug can communicate an immense amount of love for that person. A person whose primary love language is physical touch would much rather have you hold them and be silent than offer any advice.

Technorati Tags: books, counsel, couplehood, husband and wife, marriage, needs

7 Quick Tips for Choosing Your Wedding Location

Church Wedding, Anyone?

It's A Common Question
I've been asked a few times on wedding location advice, particularly how to go about considering a place. It’s no small task, seeing that it’s one of the largest areas of spending. If you’re not careful, you’ll end up with a larger bill than you budgeted, or worse, a location that fails to match the mood and occasion.

Here’s some tips as you go about doing your research

1. Determine The Theme For Your Wedding. If you decide this before you start your ground research, you’ll be able to save loads of time picking and subsequently short-listing the location. For Angela and I, we settled on Autumn colors, comprising deep reds, browns, cream. We also knew that we wanted a cozy space for about 250 guests. In another case, my sister was looking for a grand Church setting and a dinner hall for 800-900 guests. In short, be ready with what to look out for, or you'll waste your weekends fitting blindly with no aim in mind. (Adrian’s Notes: This doesn't mean you have to set a rigid plan in stone – give yourself leeway to make some changes as you do your research.)


2. Determine Your Day's Programs. You need to decide on the day’s program if you want to meaningfully discuss your intention to book a location. Determine the start/end timings so that you can decisively make soft bookings with managers. More certainty on timing and duration, albeit tentative, is always better than none.


3. Determine The Number Of Guests. This determines the number of car park spaces, seats, styles of seating (lecture style seating, round table, or long table), and amount of food to cater. Some locations won’t have sufficient car parking spaces – this might be a critical factor, especially if most of your guests drive, or if the location is has no convenient public transport. On catering, take note that most hotels and caterers need you to commit to a guaranteed number of guests, so do make sure you don’t over inflate numbers when estimating the numbers. A good estimate is about 80% of the invited number for dinners, and as low as 50% for Church receptions.


4. Determine The Decorations Needed For The Event. Some locations are intentionally bare-boned being multi-purpose rooms; some locations on the other hand would be already fully themed out and decorated. In any case, make an assessment for the decorations you'll want to use in terms of potted plants, flowers, cloth, banners, ribbons, seat covers, stands/hooks/arches - and see if it fits in your wedding budget.


5. Determine The Logistics And Support Required. Apart from the pretty decorations, there’s a very rudimentary set of wedding logistics you’ll need. This is a whole list in itself, but to cover some quick ground, make sure you determine the number of storage boxes, stationery, guest books, tape, batteries, wires, stands, AV equipment, CDs, music, (those are some basic items) to bring on the big day. My advice is to get someone to handle this as soon as you can, or you’ll find yourself having to bother about too many details closer to the wedding date.


6. Determine The Number Of Helpers You’ll Be Able To Get.  The location may have a big impact on the helpers you’ll need to run the event smoothly. For my sister’s wedding, she had a crew of nearly 10 – 15 friends helping out at the reception and as ushers. If you're not going to have many friends as helpers, or aren't looking to hire some help, just go smaller.


7. Determine A Location's Bad Weather Proof-ness. A big consideration for us who live near the equator is how ready the location is to cater to rainy day situations. In particular, if you’re planning a beach wedding, pool-side party, or outdoors reception, remember to plan for bad weather. Make sure to check if the management of your location has contingency plans when the storm hits. Oh, and if the car parking areas are sheltered, that’s a big bonus too.

Well, that’s most of it. You'll only really start to appreciate the process once you actually start. So keep this list handy, and I’m sure you’ll have a lovely wedding place!

Technorati Tags: angela and adrian, how-to, wedding, wedding preparations

A Few Thoughts On "His Needs Her Needs"

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage

I’ve been talking a lot about this book lately. Now that I'm reaching the final pages, I can’t help but feel in awe of the immense dedication required – and I mean “required” in the strongest sense - to make a relationship successful.

If there’s a single lesson I’m taking away from this book, it’s the fact that spouses often fail to recognize and fulfill each other’s needs within the marriage. This triggers the starved partner to find something (or more tragically, someone) outside the marriage to answer that need.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not assigning blame here. I'm still trying to understand this concept of meeting mutual needs, and I'm nowhere close to being an expert. I do, though, take Dr. Harley's point on identifying the needs to help couples establish their priorities for each other. According to him, this helps create an environment of positive feelings toward each other and happiness in a marriage.

I'll just outline the ten needs that were stated in the book, as I think more about the book in the coming days.

1. The First Thing She Can't Do Without - Affection
2. The First Thing He Can't Do Without - Sexual Fulfillment
3. She Needs Him To Talk To Her - Conversation
4. He Needs Her To Be His Playmate - Recreational Companionship
5. She Needs Him To Trust Him Totally - Honesty and Open-ness
6. He Needs A Good-looking Wife - An Attractive Spouse
7. She Needs Enough Money To Live Comfortably - Financial Support
8. He Needs Peace And Quiet - Domestic Support
9. She Needs Him To Be A Good Father - Family Commitment
10. He Needs Her To Be Proud Of Him - Admiration

It has to be said that this list is not an exercise in gender stereotyping - in fact, the author dives deep to show that though these are very basic mutual human desires, the truth remains that the sexes are designed differently, and hence tend to treat each desire with dissimilar importance. This creates the different perspectives of men and women to the list above (some as merely "good-to-have" rather than "necessary"). 

I'll post a review once I'm fully done with the book.

Technorati Tags: books, counsel, couplehood, how-to, husband and wife, marriage, needs