Surviving The Quarrel

 

"Charity suffereth long, and is kind"
- 1 Corinthians 13:4

“Quarrels would not last long if the fault were only on one side.”
 - François de la Rochefoucauld

I've been through my fair share of arguments with the lady. I guess if we've made it 9 years without killing each other, we must have done something right (else, we're hopelessly moronic).

Anyway. Everyone gets into arguments. Apparently, the more important the relationship, the more intense the dispute. Some get so severe that the entire relationship turns into explosive environment. Yet the solution is hardly beyond reach.

The Short Truth About Arguments.
Most people aren't thinking rationally in the heat of an argument; they tend to express emotion over reason. That's plenty of reason why you should stop arguments at th first hint of anger, because nothing ignites like good old fashion wrath.

Why Survival, And Not Tolerance
If you want to keep that relationship, you'll have to learn from your differences, and overcome them (hence survival). To say that you're tolerating differences smacks of pride and condescension, and you'll not need to wait very long to your next argument. If your relationship is dear, you want to survive it, it means you take effort to understanding the facts and problems, and it means you take time to deal with them.

Some tips we've learned about how to survive those quarrels:

1. Be Nice Even When You're Right.   It's about the attitude, not how right you are. Sure you know they're wrong. But you don't have to be mean or insistent about it. Everyone makes mistakes and frankly, you're no different. Make your point and don't rub it in, or you'll just stir up a hornet's nest. Being "Unreasonably Right" usually encourages a another bad habit: digging up the past. And then it's all downhill from there.


2. Be The First To Apologize.  What stops grown adults from taking the step forward to apologize is pure, simple pride. You'll be surprised at how fast hot arguments die down when one stops and says, "I think I understand what you mean, and for what it's worth, I'm sorry for what I did." I know its tougher than it sounds, but I'm strongly advocating this because I know it's worth risking your precious pride. 


3. Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Your Anger.   A wise Biblical command. Take some time out if you must to cool off, but don't let the matter drag for more than a day. The reason's simple - you don't want the issue to spread to other matters and breed deeper bitterness. Deal with it fast, and deal with it fully.


4. Know Who To Ask For Good Advice.   Counsel can go two ways. They can be voices of reason; they can be bottles of poison. Watch out for who you confide in.  If your confidantes are sensible mediators, great - but if they are malicious snakes, well, not so great. I've seen issues get blown out of proportion because of toxic "advice"; I've also seen how Angela and I have grown closer from the good counsel of Pastors and friends. In the end, know who to go to for good counsel.


5. Ask Family/Friends to Shed Light, But Don't Bring Them to The Fight.  Look for good friendly counsel by all means, but don't ever form a posse to gang up with against your partner. The last thing you want is someone who's looking for a fight, where only the two of you have anything to lose. So what if by trapping him/her into a corner persuades them to concede quickly (for now)? It's going to be a pyhrric victory. When you make your friends take sides, forcing them to choose one of you over the other, you're setting up for a very big disaster if things go sour.


6. Learn From The Episode.   This is the key to surviving. Arguments, quarrels and fights are immense opportunities to learn about each other. Don't make the mistake to think it's something that totally negative. So unless it's relationship-ending, take the effort to discuss the issue through and mentally underline the points to learn - and then really learn them. Apart from saving you from precious time and heartache, it will go a long way in building the relationship for the long run.


7. Gifts After The Storm.   It wouldn't hurt to give her flowers, and it won't hurt to cook a nice meal for him. I'm not advocating stereotypes, I'm just suggesting nice things to do. I won't need to explain this much, because I think you need to try this out to see how well it works. So try it.

Honestly, I've been needing to work on this post for a few days, because on one hand, while I wanted to make sure this was sound advice, I myself was learning to do some of the tips listed during one of our sharper disagreements. But you know, I'm glad we had them - if we had intentionally avoided them, the issues may have never been resolved, See? we're learning too.

Yeah, It'll Take Some Time
Angela and I have been working on some issues for years now. In some cases, full resolution is not easy - but the optimist tells us we're 9 years closer to the answer. So take note: Not all arguments need to be resolved on the spot. Be patient.

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