Couplehood

Health, or the Lack Thereof

Orginally seen at xkcd.com

I have a graph depicting my waistline that mirrors this one at a horizontal axis. No prizes guessing how it looks like.

(Thanks to John for the link.)

Food For Thought.

The Parthenon. Once Beautiful; Now, Ruined

Just Sometimes
Once in a while, I stumble upon something that I think makes an interesting allegory to relationships. Well, here goes. 

A Little Background, If You Please
The Parthenon was originally built as a temple for the Greek goddess Athena. It's about 2500 years old, and over its existence it has been used as a Church, Mosque, safe haven, treasury and even as an ammunition depot. This architectural wonder took just 9 years to build. More of that over here.

Eons Of Devastating Deterioration
Over its existence, it has been pillaged for its parts, stripped of artifacts, and even bombed. In 1975, the Greek Government began a US$100 million restoration effort to mitigate some of the damages made to the structure. They are nowhere near to completion. They are having difficulty replicating the precision of the craftsmanship. In other words, modern architects have been struggling 30-odd years doing what ancient Greeks took 9.

I Think It Sounds Like How Some Relationships End Up
Doesn't it? And I mean "relationships" in the broadest sense; friends, family, spouses. A relationship takes a relatively short time to get going, and it's always beautiful at the start. Once you're past the glow of the initial spark, neglect starts to wear at the relationship. It takes punishment and abuse. Collapse - structural integrity notwithstanding - becomes inevitable. Repair work comes in, usually at the eleventh hour. It becomes a Herculean effort - though not an impossible task - to mend the hurt and loss. Repair works are far too little, and far too late.

Are you building today, or are you letting treasure slowly ruin? 

Five Love Languages

The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate

I was told about this concept (and the book) about a year back when I was talking to my friend about his wedding preparation. I took to the idea rather instantly, because I saw how much sense it made in relationships - not only the marriage, but in friendships and other interpersonal exchanges. (Adrian's Note: There are areas of doctrine where I disagree with Dr. Chapman, but for this post I'll be concentrating on the contents of his book.)

Why Speaking The Right Love Language Is Important
Think of the confusion at the Tower of Babel - no one was communicating because their languages were different. It's a powerful paradigm, which helps shed new light on the common problems faced by couples.

When I was doing some research on online family forums, I found it particularly heart-wrenching reading the posts where the betrayed spouse had worked so hard at making the marriage work. Yet you get the feeling that most of their hard effort was going to waste because the wandering spouse simply didn't see their labor as a sign of affection - even worse, they read their effort as emotional blackmail. As I mentioned before, I'm not assigning blame here. I'm just hoping this post will help in some small way to understand a problem that many relationships - even mine - face.

A Summary (Just For You)
Just quickly browsing through the different"languages of love" - Words of Affirmation; Quality Time: Receiving Gifts: Acts of Service: Physical Touch - you'll quickly realize the meaning behind them is deeper than it looks. Each even comes with its own "dialects"! Not to worry though, I've provided a pre-digested summary here for your brisk reading pleasure, but please note, all credit goes to "Five Love Languages" website.

Words of Affirmation
Verbal appreciation, praise, and encouragement speaks powerfully to these persons. By saying “You look great in that suit,” or “You must be the best baker in the world! I love your oatmeal cookies,” could go far in making this person feel loved. Similiarly, encouragment during a difficult decision, praise for progress made on a project; or just verbally acknowledging a person’s unique perspective will also do much to boost confidence and self-assurance in the person.

Quality Time
Quality time is more than mere proximity. It’s about focusing all your energy on your mate. This includes "quality conversation" which involves sharing experiences, thoughts, feelings and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context; with the liberty to expose emotions while expecting unflinching attention from their mate. It also means quality activities, meaning physical time spent together doing activities that they love to do. This can be sports, games, or even lazing by the beach. It's the mutual enjoyment, and not the activity, that is in focus here.

Receiving Gifts
A person who "speaks" this love language treasures gifts, be it an item or your physical self, as an expression of love and devotion. Conversely,  a lack of gifts represents a lack of love from their mate. Luckily, this love language is one of the easiest to learn. It may mean that mates have to learn to change their attitude about money, and their own selves. If you are used to saving money or keeping to yourself, you will need to put effort to adjust to embrace this concept. Gifts of items and self are to be given as often as possible, but do not need to be costly.

Acts of Service
Sometimes simple chores or helping out in an area of work can be a expression of love. Just as Jesus demonstrated when he washed the feet of his disciples, doing humble chores can be a very powerful display of love and devotion to your mate. Very often, both pairs in a couple will speak to the Acts of Service Language. However, it is very important to understand what acts of service your mate most appreciates. equally important is to make sure it is done out of love and not obligation. A mate who does chores and helps out around the house out of guilt or fear will inevitably not be speaking a language of love, but a language of resentment.

Physical Touch
Many mates feel the most loved when they receive physical contact from their partner. Like acts of service, it is important to discover how your partner responds physically and psychologically to this love language. Also, the manner of the physical touch differs in different situations. In a crisis situation, a hug can communicate an immense amount of love for that person. A person whose primary love language is physical touch would much rather have you hold them and be silent than offer any advice.

Technorati Tags: books, counsel, couplehood, husband and wife, marriage, needs

Roles in the Marriage: The Breadwinner

Who Will Wear The Pants?

Our most recent wedding counseling session was spent revisiting the Biblically-defined roles of the man and the wife in the marriage. More specifically, we talked about the the ministry of the man and wife to each other.

Modern Roles of the Wife
The roles of the wife have undergone a radical shift in the 21st century. Ours is a time that marks the emancipation of the urban female. She has been blessed with equal (or at least increasingly equal) education and occupational opportunities. As a result, many of her sisters have discarded their aprons and spatulas, choosing instead to adorn themselves with power suits and Louis Vuitton bags, making their mark in the corporate world . 

 

Changing Roles of the Husband
The traditional roles - in terms of who the main breadwinner is - is quickly finding an equality between man and wife. A study by Harvard revealed that 30% of working women earn more than their spouses; in fact, if wives are having incomes surpassing their husbands, it may be good economic sense for fathers stay home instead to look after the kids, if the couple had to choose between each other.

 

The Need for Each Other: Husband and Wife
If I were arguing for the wives to stay home, it would be too easy to plead the case on account of the children. There are no doubts in my mind on how vital a mother's nurturing love is to a child during his formative years, and even for the years beyond - and I'll have research to prove it. More difficult, perhaps, is to argue the need for the wife to avail herself to attend to the needs of her husband, and vice versa.

 

There's This Book I'm Reading
Apart from God's Word, I'm working on a book called "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley, Jr. I'm not done with it yet, but 2 chapters in, I'm surprised at the level of frankness that Dr. Harley uses as he approaches the topic of needs. In the opening chapters, Dr. Harley details a man's needs for sexual fulfillment, and the lady's needs for intimate affection. As I read that, it struck me how sad and confused we are as a society: we have men's magazines painting the sexual desire as a pornographic experience, and in the other corner, we have Amazonesque female magazines describing the wife's needs for affection as a weakness. Both are natural yearnings meant to be fulfilled in a relationship between man and wife.

 

I'll Have To Revisit This In Two (or More) Months
As close as I am to 1st December, truth is, I'm still not married. Yet, as I understand more of God's design for the husband and the wife, I am challenged to rethink my views on how the needs of the husband and wife have to be found and met within the marriage. So for once, dear reader, I'll have to leave you hanging. I could conjecture and theorize all day, but nothing will beat having walked the path, and living to blog about it.

Till then, then.

Book Review: The 10 Commandments of Dating

10 Commandments Of Dating

I'm not a big fan of contemporary dating (as in "playing the game" and "chasing") thing. Never have been.

I'm more an advocate of activity-based courtship (for  example, getting to know each other through sports, organized excursions, projects outside of work, etc) and group outings - them being comfortable, non-stressful and - most importantly - safe ways to meet and get to know someone better. I believe it's possible to continue meeting in group/small group settings, having one-on-one moments perhaps over Instant Messaging/Phone calls; until which time both decide it's time to take things a step further (i.e. engagement or marriage). It's sounds peculiar for our times, and is probably hard to do, but it's possible. And considering the tough time teens and young adults are having dating these days, it's not a bad idea to protect yourself from a very cruel world.

But on to the book.

The 10 Commandments of Dating, by Ben Young and Dr. Samuel Adams

The premise, according to the authors, is that there are many couples out there who are engaging in faulty and destructive relationships. Most of these relationships are a result of erroneous assumptions and expectations, which the authors attribute to "Hollywood-influenced" contemporary dating.

Laying Down the Law
10 Commandments of Dating lays down 10 (plus 1) common-sense guidelines and to-dos on dating. It's great that they share their Christian convictions in plain words, with none of the Christian pseudo-psychology that's emerging these days. I'll list them out here:

1. Thou Shalt Have A Life (Or, Don't be desperately looking for relationships at the expense of having a meaningful relationship with the Lord, and existence)
2. Thou Shalt Use Your Brain (Or, Don't love blindly and foolishly)
3. Thou Shalt be Equally Yoked (Or, Don't date someone with a different religious background from you)
4. Thou Shalt Take It Slow (Or, Don't rush into physical, emotional, psychological, yes, even spiritual, intimacy)
5. Thou Shalt Set Clear Boundaries (Or, Protect yourself and give yourself freedom within well-defined and agreed-uponlimits)
6. Thou Shalt Save Sex For Later (Or, Keep sexual satisfaction within the marriage, never outside of it)
7. Thou Shalt Not Play House (Or, Don't co-habit)
8. Thou Shalt Fight Fairly (Or, Seek first to understand, then to be understood)
9. Thou Shalt Not Ignore The Warning Signs (Or, Look out for signals that indicate a bad mate)
10. Thou Shalt Choose Wisely (Or, Don't make a lousy decision)
11. Thou Shalt Take Action (Or, Don't procrastinate)

Common or Uncommon Sense
Definitely good sense - but common sense? If what the authors say is true, reality - the fact that more than 50% of marriages fail - seems to show that it's probably otherwise. I'm glad the authors make great points, and are scripturally sound; but it was great to see them cite statistics of relationships failing to follow any one of these principles. For example, while they discussed Commandment 7, they noted that the Houston Chronicle reported that couples who "Test Drive" or cohabit have a 80% chance of failing in their marriage, and a Washington State researcher showed that females in a co-habiting relationships are twice as likely to experience domestic violence. Statistics like these are paradigm changing, and should make anyone consider their true intentions for co-habiting.

Solutions for Fixing & Leaving Faulty Relationships
The authors also provide advice on how to fix and/or leave faulty relationships. Well-meant, I'm sure, but I am skeptical on how strong the human resolve is when it comes to overcoming needs for companionship in order to resolve these "broken commandments". There are more foundational issues than transgressing the 10 commandments alone, and applying a "Band-Aid Rip" (pg 147) isn't particularly good advice. A strong support group might be able to provide the care that is needed for recovery. For the Christian, many of these issues may find a solution in prayerful ministry and counsel, ultimately aimed at restoring a good relationship with the Lord.

Final Thoughts
Overall, it's a good read. It covers many perspectives on the subject, not sparing detail on application and moving forward from relationships. Often, that could be just what's needed to get a start on moving on - knowing the right steps, and how to take them.

Technorati Tags: dating, how-to, books

How to Deal With Perfectionism - Especially When Stress is Piling On

As I thought about how near we were to the wedding - and having the feeling of panic bobbing about in my skullbox - I found myself reading one of my old articles I wrote for a website a while back. It was one of my first attempts to write on personal improvement - so excuse the lame-o lifehacking jargon - but apparently it was well received.  

I'll just go ahead and share this, not much for writing tonight, and this post is late as it is.

 Beating Perfectionism

The Root
The root of perfectionism lies in passionate insecurity. "It does not matter how much time or how much resources it takes, if I can't get to get it just right, then I will keep adjusting, rectifying, improving, and reworking until it is."

Two Solutions (Just Two?)
The first is from a mantra that's been in the productivity movement for some time. Recently highlighted in David Allen's "Getting Things Done" philosophy, it's about "getting all your ducks in a row". In other words, it's taking time to have a good hard look at your whole life in terms of all you ever need to do in this lifetime. Underlying this very simple mantra may be a key to putting an end to self-destructive perfectionist habits.

Getting your whole life into view is deeper than it looks. It can be a very sobering experience. But if you know there's more to life than getting just one thing done perfectly - and you've got a zillion other important things to do - you're on to a good start.

Getting Perspective
When a person not just the perfectionist keeps perspective on her whole life, she realizes that there are roles and responsibilities more important than getting the mirrors polished to a sparkle, or churning out a perfect paper. If every role and responsibility is kept in context of a complete and content life, it becomes easy to decide which roles and responsibilities deserve more attention and more effort.

Setting Standards
The second of the two solutions is deciding on the standards you want to live your life by, keeping your entire life in view. This is the second step because it is far easier to do once the previous is dutifully done. You must be willing to rationally determine how good something can get, by your own abilities and limitations, and be willing to do this with a friend who cares for you. I found that person can sometimes be a very caring spouse.

Excellence is not Perfectionism
In conclusion, there's nothing wrong with being excellent, but there's a point where it crosses to the point of fanaticism, and that when you know you are a chronic  perfectionist. The solution is not complicated. If you can believe that no one's perfect, you must believe that everything else shouldn't be either.

Technorati Tags: perfectionism, Couplehacks, wedding

Online Dating: New Perspectives

Next Wave of Dating Mania?

I'm often intrigued at how often social activities are turned into avenues for finding a potential mate. I'm not particularly fond of the contemporary dating philosophy (movies, expensive dinners, flashy cars, etc). Angela and I are looking for others ways to help some of my single friends find good mates (it's not as easy as you think).

Everything Else
That doesn't mean I'm automatically a fan of any alternative courtship method. I wasn't much for the internet dating sites of the late 90s and I'm certainly not a fan of those 1900 numbers that are common around here. I was, however, supportive of "group" dating (where a prospective couples went out in a group of mutual friends). I even liked the idea of getting to know someone better by watching them play sports. Great, clean, safe ways of finding out more about a prospective mate. 

MMORPG-Dating: Unsettling
I'm not so sure of this MMORPG-dating (Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games). On one hand, it seems to bring together the pros from sports dating and the cons of online dating (vomit) to produce something seemingly) effective. Yet there's something about the general anonymity and non-commitment to accountability (especially about behaviors in an online game setting) that is unsettling. Here's BBC's take on it:

"You can easily gauge some of the slipperiest aspects of human nature by observing someone's tactics. Are they a risk-taker? Do they panic under pressure? Do they respond to failure with frustration or creativity? Are they a gracious winner or a griping loser? A loner or a team-player? Perfectionist or bodger? Is winning all that matters, or will they risk death to pull a prank or tell a joke?

Dinner and a movie may well give you a chance to check out the basics - minor details like physical appearance, age, sex, gender and race - but it's hard to beat a game for how much it will show you of someone's character, and how quickly. "

Sweet, Sweet Evercrack = Sweet Sweet Love?
Then, there's the MMORPG "Ever-Crack / World of Warcrack" thing. It's addictive, it's absorbing, and it's life-altering - I'm skeptical if a projection of mass fantasy can be a good vehicle for finding a good mate. I mean, is it even good sense to think that you could find a good mate in a place where people are more comfortable hiding behind virtual avatars?

Hey, It's Just A Game After All
I filled an entire teenhood with games, and I'm glad to have left that life behind. I assure you I'm trying my best to be objective about this, but as I ponder more about it, I can't seem to shake off the feeling that it's mostly a bad idea. MMORPGs, as with any game, has the player is projecting a fantastical virtual behavior in a virtual world. Sure, they're a team-player, but how sure are you they are going to be that way in a couple relationship?

Maybe I'm a skeptic, but I don't think this will help those throngs of singles (many of whom are very sweet ladies) a single bit.

 

The Moblog Test: Part II

My Gadget of Choice  

I had a very painless experience blogging from my email today via my gadget of choice, the 6960.

The 6960's been serving me well, and I'll even go so far as to say that it's become nearly indispensable. It manages my to-do lists, projects, reminders, appointments, writing projects, and is extremely fuss-free for a Windows Device. The bells and whistles put in by HP are a welcome addition. I can't wait to see what they are up to next.

Okay, really, let's get back to the Moblog thing.

It's Nice,But It's No Fun
At the lady's place today, I took a look at the post and thought, "This looks dead." And it did. Something about the way it was formatted made it look raw and unappealing.That's merely aesthetics, you may say, but it's an integral part of the look and feel.

A Picture Brightens A Thousand Lives
And mine especially. It soothes the dyslexic part of my head (it's arguable that my head's ALL dyslexic) and it really makes the post look nice. Aesthetics again. Sorry.

I Don't Get to Apply Concepts in HyperText Theory
That module (on hypertext) I took in college was worthless. But if it taught me one thing at all, it would be the introduction of the concept of hyper-linking information. Okay, to be utterly honest, the concept: college; mastery of application: Engadget.

Final Thoughts
I guess moblogging could be a quick fix if I ever find myself starved from the interweb for extended periods of time, which I don't think will be anytime soon. Till then, I'll work from my main machines.

Technorati Tags: gadgets, opinion

New Blog Banner

I've finally gotten down to doing it.

After MONTHS of ugly blog titles, I have finally put one up that both the lady and I like - It's kinda minimalistic (me), and at the same time beautiful/cute (Angela). I even put in her favorite color red into the thing.

Nice.

 

Technorati Tags: adrian and angela, blog

School's On: Tips on Learning (Not Studying)

Studying is Old Skool

Instead of answering in long prose in a comment, I've decide to post an answer or two here (I'm posting like crazy today).

The Original Post is Here, but I think you won't miss anything if you skip his opening monologue about his success. It's interesting, if not a little puffy. I'll get back to you on the STING™ Method.

1. Visceralize - You’ve probably heard of visualizing, right? Visceralizing means taking all of your senses and connecting it to information. Studies have shown that people remember more vividly information that comes to us in an emotionally aroused state. Linking feelings, senses and imagery to bland ideas makes them more real. You probably counted on your fingers when learning numbers, why can’t you do the same when you are learning now?


2. Metaphor - The heart of holistic learning is relating things together. Metaphors are literary devices that link two things that normally don’t go together. Come up with metaphors to describe more complicated ideas in simpler terms.


3. Ten Year Old Rule - Explain ideas to yourself as you would to a ten year old. Sure, this isn’t always possible in your last years of a medical degree or learning how to apply neural networks to computer AI. But the idea is that you should be able to “dumb down” an idea enough so it seems obvious to yourself.


4. Trace Back - Put away your books and start with a random fact or concept. Then relate that idea to another concept in your subject. Keep doing this tracing pattern until you’ve linked many ideas together. The Gupta Dynasty reminds you of ancient Greece which reminds you of Socrates, reminding you of Confucius…


5. Refresher Scan - Scan through information in your text book. Notice whenever you encounter information that you either don’t remember or weren’t 100% sure about. Quickly link that information back to existing ideas through viscerlization and metaphor. If your refresher scan is turning up more than a few points per chapter, you haven’t learned it thoroughly enough.


6. Compress Information - Not all information works well for holistic learning. A common point cited to me is learning anatomy for first year medical students. Anatomy involves learning arbitrary Latin names for hundreds of different elements of your body. There often aren’t clear patterns and constructs, just a dry list of facts. When encountering information such as this, your goal should be to compress it. Find ways to group information into smaller chunks of memory through pictures or mnemonics.


7. Write - Take a piece of paper and write out the connections in the information. Reorganize the information into different patterns. The key here is the writing, not the final product. So don’t waste your time making a pretty picture. Scribble and use abbreviations to link the ideas together.

Technorati Tags: study