Couplehood

A Faith-Full Marriage, By Paul Chapell

 "A Faith Full Marriage" is a Fundamental Baptist's guide on building Biblical marriages. The book covers a good deal of topics in less than 90 pages, focusing on a step-by-step approach on building, and in some senses restoring, a marriage. I'm glad it starts with a firm position on getting right spiritually first, settling man's (and wife's) relationship with the Lord first before working on the one between husband and wife.

Nice, tight package, lots of fantastic Bible references ( I loved the exposition on Ephesians 5:25, 100% commitment, and 100% acceptance). I wish it were longer in certain parts, particularly on practical application.

My apologies in advance: I'm not up to doing a review or a lengthy post on the book right now. That's mostly because I'm running a fever, but also because I'm not as lucid as I'd like to be when I'm writing. I'd like to share, though, a story from the book that struck a chord with me (seeing how the line of men in my family are prone to Alzheimer's).

These are two letters, the first sent from a man who had an early onset of Alzheimer's Disease. He realized that he will slowly lose the memories of his wife, and his family, even though they are right there beside him. In his hopelessness, he wrote a letter to his wife:

Honey,

Today fear is taking over. The day is coming when all my memories of this life we share will be gone. In fact, you and the boys will be gone from me. I will lose you even as I am surrounded by you and your love. I don't want to leave you. I want to grow old in the warmth of memories. Forgive me for leaving so slowly and painfully.

But in his desperation, was her assurance - and her tearful, moving reply.

My sweet husband,

What will happen when we get to the point were you no longer know me? I will continue to go on loving you and caring for you - not because you know me and remember our life, but because I remember you. I will remember the man who proposed to me and told me he loved me, the look on his face when his children were born, the father he was, the way he loved our extended family. I'll recall his love for riding, hiking, and reading; his tears at sentimental movies; the unexpected witty remarks; and how he held my hand when we prayed. I cherish the pleasure, the obligation, commitment, and opportunity to care for you because... I remember you."

This book is available here.

Technorati Tags: couplehood, family, husband and wife, marriage, support

Five Love Languages

The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate

I was told about this concept (and the book) about a year back when I was talking to my friend about his wedding preparation. I took to the idea rather instantly, because I saw how much sense it made in relationships - not only the marriage, but in friendships and other interpersonal exchanges. (Adrian's Note: There are areas of doctrine where I disagree with Dr. Chapman, but for this post I'll be concentrating on the contents of his book.)

Why Speaking The Right Love Language Is Important
Think of the confusion at the Tower of Babel - no one was communicating because their languages were different. It's a powerful paradigm, which helps shed new light on the common problems faced by couples.

When I was doing some research on online family forums, I found it particularly heart-wrenching reading the posts where the betrayed spouse had worked so hard at making the marriage work. Yet you get the feeling that most of their hard effort was going to waste because the wandering spouse simply didn't see their labor as a sign of affection - even worse, they read their effort as emotional blackmail. As I mentioned before, I'm not assigning blame here. I'm just hoping this post will help in some small way to understand a problem that many relationships - even mine - face.

A Summary (Just For You)
Just quickly browsing through the different"languages of love" - Words of Affirmation; Quality Time: Receiving Gifts: Acts of Service: Physical Touch - you'll quickly realize the meaning behind them is deeper than it looks. Each even comes with its own "dialects"! Not to worry though, I've provided a pre-digested summary here for your brisk reading pleasure, but please note, all credit goes to "Five Love Languages" website.

Words of Affirmation
Verbal appreciation, praise, and encouragement speaks powerfully to these persons. By saying “You look great in that suit,” or “You must be the best baker in the world! I love your oatmeal cookies,” could go far in making this person feel loved. Similiarly, encouragment during a difficult decision, praise for progress made on a project; or just verbally acknowledging a person’s unique perspective will also do much to boost confidence and self-assurance in the person.

Quality Time
Quality time is more than mere proximity. It’s about focusing all your energy on your mate. This includes "quality conversation" which involves sharing experiences, thoughts, feelings and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context; with the liberty to expose emotions while expecting unflinching attention from their mate. It also means quality activities, meaning physical time spent together doing activities that they love to do. This can be sports, games, or even lazing by the beach. It's the mutual enjoyment, and not the activity, that is in focus here.

Receiving Gifts
A person who "speaks" this love language treasures gifts, be it an item or your physical self, as an expression of love and devotion. Conversely,  a lack of gifts represents a lack of love from their mate. Luckily, this love language is one of the easiest to learn. It may mean that mates have to learn to change their attitude about money, and their own selves. If you are used to saving money or keeping to yourself, you will need to put effort to adjust to embrace this concept. Gifts of items and self are to be given as often as possible, but do not need to be costly.

Acts of Service
Sometimes simple chores or helping out in an area of work can be a expression of love. Just as Jesus demonstrated when he washed the feet of his disciples, doing humble chores can be a very powerful display of love and devotion to your mate. Very often, both pairs in a couple will speak to the Acts of Service Language. However, it is very important to understand what acts of service your mate most appreciates. equally important is to make sure it is done out of love and not obligation. A mate who does chores and helps out around the house out of guilt or fear will inevitably not be speaking a language of love, but a language of resentment.

Physical Touch
Many mates feel the most loved when they receive physical contact from their partner. Like acts of service, it is important to discover how your partner responds physically and psychologically to this love language. Also, the manner of the physical touch differs in different situations. In a crisis situation, a hug can communicate an immense amount of love for that person. A person whose primary love language is physical touch would much rather have you hold them and be silent than offer any advice.

Technorati Tags: books, counsel, couplehood, husband and wife, marriage, needs

A Few Thoughts On "His Needs Her Needs"

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage

I’ve been talking a lot about this book lately. Now that I'm reaching the final pages, I can’t help but feel in awe of the immense dedication required – and I mean “required” in the strongest sense - to make a relationship successful.

If there’s a single lesson I’m taking away from this book, it’s the fact that spouses often fail to recognize and fulfill each other’s needs within the marriage. This triggers the starved partner to find something (or more tragically, someone) outside the marriage to answer that need.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not assigning blame here. I'm still trying to understand this concept of meeting mutual needs, and I'm nowhere close to being an expert. I do, though, take Dr. Harley's point on identifying the needs to help couples establish their priorities for each other. According to him, this helps create an environment of positive feelings toward each other and happiness in a marriage.

I'll just outline the ten needs that were stated in the book, as I think more about the book in the coming days.

1. The First Thing She Can't Do Without - Affection
2. The First Thing He Can't Do Without - Sexual Fulfillment
3. She Needs Him To Talk To Her - Conversation
4. He Needs Her To Be His Playmate - Recreational Companionship
5. She Needs Him To Trust Him Totally - Honesty and Open-ness
6. He Needs A Good-looking Wife - An Attractive Spouse
7. She Needs Enough Money To Live Comfortably - Financial Support
8. He Needs Peace And Quiet - Domestic Support
9. She Needs Him To Be A Good Father - Family Commitment
10. He Needs Her To Be Proud Of Him - Admiration

It has to be said that this list is not an exercise in gender stereotyping - in fact, the author dives deep to show that though these are very basic mutual human desires, the truth remains that the sexes are designed differently, and hence tend to treat each desire with dissimilar importance. This creates the different perspectives of men and women to the list above (some as merely "good-to-have" rather than "necessary"). 

I'll post a review once I'm fully done with the book.

Technorati Tags: books, counsel, couplehood, how-to, husband and wife, marriage, needs

Book Review: The 10 Commandments of Dating

10 Commandments Of Dating

I'm not a big fan of contemporary dating (as in "playing the game" and "chasing") thing. Never have been.

I'm more an advocate of activity-based courtship (for  example, getting to know each other through sports, organized excursions, projects outside of work, etc) and group outings - them being comfortable, non-stressful and - most importantly - safe ways to meet and get to know someone better. I believe it's possible to continue meeting in group/small group settings, having one-on-one moments perhaps over Instant Messaging/Phone calls; until which time both decide it's time to take things a step further (i.e. engagement or marriage). It's sounds peculiar for our times, and is probably hard to do, but it's possible. And considering the tough time teens and young adults are having dating these days, it's not a bad idea to protect yourself from a very cruel world.

But on to the book.

The 10 Commandments of Dating, by Ben Young and Dr. Samuel Adams

The premise, according to the authors, is that there are many couples out there who are engaging in faulty and destructive relationships. Most of these relationships are a result of erroneous assumptions and expectations, which the authors attribute to "Hollywood-influenced" contemporary dating.

Laying Down the Law
10 Commandments of Dating lays down 10 (plus 1) common-sense guidelines and to-dos on dating. It's great that they share their Christian convictions in plain words, with none of the Christian pseudo-psychology that's emerging these days. I'll list them out here:

1. Thou Shalt Have A Life (Or, Don't be desperately looking for relationships at the expense of having a meaningful relationship with the Lord, and existence)
2. Thou Shalt Use Your Brain (Or, Don't love blindly and foolishly)
3. Thou Shalt be Equally Yoked (Or, Don't date someone with a different religious background from you)
4. Thou Shalt Take It Slow (Or, Don't rush into physical, emotional, psychological, yes, even spiritual, intimacy)
5. Thou Shalt Set Clear Boundaries (Or, Protect yourself and give yourself freedom within well-defined and agreed-uponlimits)
6. Thou Shalt Save Sex For Later (Or, Keep sexual satisfaction within the marriage, never outside of it)
7. Thou Shalt Not Play House (Or, Don't co-habit)
8. Thou Shalt Fight Fairly (Or, Seek first to understand, then to be understood)
9. Thou Shalt Not Ignore The Warning Signs (Or, Look out for signals that indicate a bad mate)
10. Thou Shalt Choose Wisely (Or, Don't make a lousy decision)
11. Thou Shalt Take Action (Or, Don't procrastinate)

Common or Uncommon Sense
Definitely good sense - but common sense? If what the authors say is true, reality - the fact that more than 50% of marriages fail - seems to show that it's probably otherwise. I'm glad the authors make great points, and are scripturally sound; but it was great to see them cite statistics of relationships failing to follow any one of these principles. For example, while they discussed Commandment 7, they noted that the Houston Chronicle reported that couples who "Test Drive" or cohabit have a 80% chance of failing in their marriage, and a Washington State researcher showed that females in a co-habiting relationships are twice as likely to experience domestic violence. Statistics like these are paradigm changing, and should make anyone consider their true intentions for co-habiting.

Solutions for Fixing & Leaving Faulty Relationships
The authors also provide advice on how to fix and/or leave faulty relationships. Well-meant, I'm sure, but I am skeptical on how strong the human resolve is when it comes to overcoming needs for companionship in order to resolve these "broken commandments". There are more foundational issues than transgressing the 10 commandments alone, and applying a "Band-Aid Rip" (pg 147) isn't particularly good advice. A strong support group might be able to provide the care that is needed for recovery. For the Christian, many of these issues may find a solution in prayerful ministry and counsel, ultimately aimed at restoring a good relationship with the Lord.

Final Thoughts
Overall, it's a good read. It covers many perspectives on the subject, not sparing detail on application and moving forward from relationships. Often, that could be just what's needed to get a start on moving on - knowing the right steps, and how to take them.

Technorati Tags: dating, how-to, books

Online Dating: New Perspectives

Next Wave of Dating Mania?

I'm often intrigued at how often social activities are turned into avenues for finding a potential mate. I'm not particularly fond of the contemporary dating philosophy (movies, expensive dinners, flashy cars, etc). Angela and I are looking for others ways to help some of my single friends find good mates (it's not as easy as you think).

Everything Else
That doesn't mean I'm automatically a fan of any alternative courtship method. I wasn't much for the internet dating sites of the late 90s and I'm certainly not a fan of those 1900 numbers that are common around here. I was, however, supportive of "group" dating (where a prospective couples went out in a group of mutual friends). I even liked the idea of getting to know someone better by watching them play sports. Great, clean, safe ways of finding out more about a prospective mate. 

MMORPG-Dating: Unsettling
I'm not so sure of this MMORPG-dating (Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games). On one hand, it seems to bring together the pros from sports dating and the cons of online dating (vomit) to produce something seemingly) effective. Yet there's something about the general anonymity and non-commitment to accountability (especially about behaviors in an online game setting) that is unsettling. Here's BBC's take on it:

"You can easily gauge some of the slipperiest aspects of human nature by observing someone's tactics. Are they a risk-taker? Do they panic under pressure? Do they respond to failure with frustration or creativity? Are they a gracious winner or a griping loser? A loner or a team-player? Perfectionist or bodger? Is winning all that matters, or will they risk death to pull a prank or tell a joke?

Dinner and a movie may well give you a chance to check out the basics - minor details like physical appearance, age, sex, gender and race - but it's hard to beat a game for how much it will show you of someone's character, and how quickly. "

Sweet, Sweet Evercrack = Sweet Sweet Love?
Then, there's the MMORPG "Ever-Crack / World of Warcrack" thing. It's addictive, it's absorbing, and it's life-altering - I'm skeptical if a projection of mass fantasy can be a good vehicle for finding a good mate. I mean, is it even good sense to think that you could find a good mate in a place where people are more comfortable hiding behind virtual avatars?

Hey, It's Just A Game After All
I filled an entire teenhood with games, and I'm glad to have left that life behind. I assure you I'm trying my best to be objective about this, but as I ponder more about it, I can't seem to shake off the feeling that it's mostly a bad idea. MMORPGs, as with any game, has the player is projecting a fantastical virtual behavior in a virtual world. Sure, they're a team-player, but how sure are you they are going to be that way in a couple relationship?

Maybe I'm a skeptic, but I don't think this will help those throngs of singles (many of whom are very sweet ladies) a single bit.