Couplehood

Us and SOEKs

Originally uploaded by Adrian Koh

Flipping Through An E-Album
I came across a few precious photos that just brought back sweet memories of times past. Many of them were with the Church kids, many of whom we had nice moments with.

Back Then, When We Were "Kor-Kor" & "Jie-Jie"
Waaaaaay back before we were married, I used to say, "kids are always fun when they are SOEKs" (someone else's kids). You probably could tell from our photostream in flickr that we have had lots of said fun with the kids at Church. Like in this picture with our page boy, Daniel Sng.

We're "Uncle" and "Aunty" Now
Now that we're going to have SOOOs (some of our own), we're waving a little hand at all the dear SOEKs we had loads of fun with (many of whom are growing up so fast!) - together with a big hug. We probably won't have as much time to wrestle, tickle, or run around anymore - and we'll miss it all so much.

Don't forget us, little SOEKs; we definitely won't ever forget you.

Marriage Counseling: What Needs To Be Done

 

I’m mulling over a comment I got a few weeks ago from my wedding counselor (also pastor, and friend) who told me that I've got to start letting go of singlehood, and start preparing for Angela to come into my life. “Don’t be married singles!” was his firm advice, which begged the question: What changes do I need to make as I switch from singlehood to couplehood?

Less Time On The Distractions
Heh. Well, Angela thinks I’m a 'net addict, but I’m firmly resisted the label. I can prove that there have been long spans of time where I’m neither on a computer nor hooked up to the internet. It’s called sleep.

Okay, seriously. I’m going establish a habit for “No-Distraction Time” – and the first step’s already taken. I've taken out all the computers in the couple room, except for the Mac Mini, which is probably going to serve as a media center more than anything else. All other distractions like books, magazines, and TV will be minimized (TV is Angela's weakness). Man, I’m feel cold turkey-ish already.

(… and following that) More Time Together For The First Year
The first year’s important, yes? I've heard that in some older Jewish traditions, the newly weds cease all forms of work for 1 to 2 years just so that they can work on building the marriage. Sadly, we don’t have that luxury,  and we've got bills to pay. That doesn't mean we can execute that in spirit, by prioritizing the marriage above all other humanly relations.

Actually, It’s All About Small Steps
Patience is a virtue, and if what the ladies on Real Simple say are right, then it's going to take some time to get used to each other. There are old habits that we're going to need to drop, and similarly, new habits to will need to be cultivated. Inevitably, there are going to be rough spots, but with the right amount of patience, and the acknowledgment that both of us need to put in effort, I think we'll be able to work things out.

Bye bye, singlehood. It's been nice knowing you.

Technorati Tags: counsel, couplehood, wedding, wedding preparations

Tips for Saving Money on Your Wedding

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Start Small if You Must, But Be Ruthless About It.

I was chatting with a recently wedded lady at work, and we traded some tips on Wedding Frugality. We eventually agreed that surely no one wants to come off having a cheapskate-ish wedding - it just doesn't give the occasion due honor, and everyone invited will be wondering if Daddy fired the proverbial shotgun.

Right. I'll hurry to the list now.

1. Ask for Advice.   They say "hindsight is wisdom too late" - it's true for the married couple, but great news for you. So, if you have many recently-wedded couples around you, you're blessed. Ask them for as much advice on which corners can be cut, and what needed more spending on. Surely, this is subjective, so you'll want to ensure that you get as many opinions on the matter, so you can make you own decisions. (Saving Potential: ZOUNDS!)


2. Be a Disciple.   A neat idea is to volunteer to help a soon-to-be-married couple to see what their plans and considerations along the way. Get experience and lessons live on the scene. Also take note of the pitfalls of things that were taken for granted, and the success of some ideas that were never intended. (Saving Potential: THOUSANDS!)


3. Start Early.   We started planning the wedding two years ago, and then we were delayed. It was a blessing in disguise, because we were able to store up some cash, and do a lot of research before the wedding. And, if you're early, you won't need to pay premiums to rush stuff at the last minute. (Savings Potential: Couple o' Thousands)


4. Work on That Budget and Theme, and STICK TO IT.   It's easy to get distracted by the many things that make a wedding pretty, but trust me, just like clothes,  they may all look nice, but they won't all match. It'll be good to have some guiding principles while you go shopping or researching. Some good guidelines are: i) a strict budget, and, ii) a design theme. Better yet, if you've got spending commitments in motion (house, car, etc) make sure that budget's well planned. (Saving Potential: Couple o' Thousands)


5. Spot Market Trends and Peaks in the Wedding Market... And Avoid Them.   Great frugal tip. If you're living in a superstitious culture like mine, there are very "unlucky" periods that ward off the faithful like the plague. Right now, for example, is the "Hungry Ghost Month", where dealings in anything that needs good fortune (i.e. new job, lottery, wedding - you get the idea) are generally postponed to the end of the month. Thankfully for us, this also includes wedding photo packages. We just got a humongous 80% discount for one of the items on our list, and we imagine that it could have been larger savings have we done thought of this tip last year at this time. Too bad for us, we got much of our stuff during the peak period in December. (Saving Potential: Many Hunderds!)


6. Save on Things You Can Do Yourself, or Ask Your Friends for Favors.   This supposes that you have some talent you can use in preparation for your wedding, or have friends who do. For example, Chai Heng decided to design his own card, then printed and custom cut the cards himself. That act alone might have saved him hundreds of dollars. My colleague printed her own cards and bulletins too.For us, we've asked Mrs Sng from our Church to design our Church decorations, and she's only charging us for the cost of the materials. Friends love to participate in your wedding, and they'd love to share your joy by chipping in. So let them - and if they don't, ask them. (Saving Potential: Couple o' Thousands)


7. Let Your Buddies Know You're Saving For Your Wedding.   I can't stress enough how less "going out and having fun" with your buddies will save you loads of money. When I got low on expendable cash, I had to tell many people that I won't be able to go out as much (and I don't go out much at all). I wish I did that way before! Your friends may not respond by paying for your meals, but they'll be considerate on the venues they go with you and even remind you occasionally about saving. (Saving Potential: Hundreds!)

Technorati Tags: wedding, adrian and angela, family, finances, life, logistics

Wedding Counseling: The Last of the Michael Perl Sessions

Last week, the lady and I went through the last of the husband-wife series of the “Michael Perl Sessions” for our marriage counseling. What a ride.

 

I’ve taken the past few days (which have been kinda crazy) to think them through. And, well, here are some thoughts.

 

It’s Not Going To Be Easy

There are a few topics that stand out for both of us as we move closer to the day: some are with staying in our current home, some are with our children’s education, and some on the matter of our my hopeful target of 13 children (just kidding on that last one, dear).

 

We’ve plowed through many issues these months with arguments, tears, and joy (mostly in that order), and often have come to the conclusion that there are some bridges that we can only cross when we come to them. We are comforted, though, that we’re both looking toward the same direction, and that’s just about as encouraging as it can get for a pre-wedding couple.

 

There are however, things that we can do right now:

 

1. Work on Settling Biblical Foundational Principles, and Stick to Them

Guiding principles, values, commandments from God’s Holy Word. Among these would be the headship of God (Ephesians 5:23, Matt 6:33), loving your wife (Ephesians 5:25), submission to the husband (Ephesians 5:22) – there are more, but I think you get the idea. I think of them as binary switches that all have to show as “true” before we come to a decision on any matter. Sure seems to simplify things when you see it in that way.

 

2. Set Workable Objectives for the Next Five to Ten Years

I’ve only recently been a fan of looking ahead and making plans for the future. For a good part of my Christian life, I’ve been living for the moment, and that’s proven to be minor-ly disastrous – minor, in the sense that I’ve been able to recover from those episodes without being scathed… much. But anyway, it’s great to sit down and chart the path to the years ahead together, just so we’re both clear on where we’re headed. Warning: This can end in many days of arguments, tears, and joy (see above). More often than not, it also ends with ice-cream.

 

3. A Plan is Basis For Change

If the Lord’s taught me anything in these past few months, it’s the fact that plans are meant for change-a-roos. It’s a good idea to settle this *first* before you start master-planning your life. I hate to sound cliché, but change is a fact of life. Plan if you must (and you should) but prepare to take detours, sidetracks, and/or a comfortable chair; the last is especially true if you’re like me (impatient). God tends to let me sit something out for a bit if I show the slightest hint of rebellion. Sometimes, it can be a long while. Change and sidetracking can be positive things too, you know.

 

The Final Word(s)

I hope that makes sense for you too. There's nothing novel here, I guess - but it's worth taking a look when you feel you need to collect yourself again, should you ever get lost.

Technorati Tags: adrian and angela, life, opinion, preparation, wedding

Wedding Counselling: The "Michael Pearl" Sessions

Just about an hour into the session last night, an old colleague called with the intent of asking me out for dinners. I promptly told him that I was at my pastor's place getting wedding counseling. This would usually be replied to with the usual dirty jokes and potshots, which I then give the usual shrug and smile.

Today's session was pretty hard hitting - I think for both of us. Which in my opinion, was all good. I'll share the lesson another time - right now I thought to share the aftermath.

Wedding Counseling: Session 4

To a quizzical friend, who had asked me "why would anyone need to go for marriage counseling for?", I answered, "well, I guess I'd better be very sure of God's opinion on the matter."

In the marriage counseling courses we've both been going through, I feel a sense of being overwhelmed by much of the material. I do think I'm woefully inadequate to handle the massive responsibilities of being a husband and a father. There's so many things to consider, so many things that are important, so many delicate matters - no wonder the successful homes are prerequisites for positions of service-leadership in Church.

"For if a man know not how to rule his own  house, how shall he take care of the church of God?"
- 1 Timothy 3:5

Indeed.

Yesterday, we finished off the topic on companionship, and started on the topic on sexual relationships.

To put it perspective, sexual relationships are given of God and are perfect and holy in themselves. Trust me, it's a good platform to start on, because it challenges your thinking on sex, and what the fundamentals are. This exercise then starts to expose many of the worldly opinions that have allowed itself to root in our perspectives. I would think that it would probably be a good idea to weed these out now.

I'll not go into much detail here, (warning, long sentence) except to say that if what the Bible and Pastor Jesse are saying is true, then sexual relationships in the marriage are so very important because it is the most powerful form of expression of one of the foundational pillars in a marriage: Love.

And, if Dr. Ed Wheat and his wife are correct, then many married Christian couples (well, non-Christian ones too, I guess) are not getting this part right, for one reason or another. It's worth looking into and examining, gentle reader!

Well, I'm going to be late for a meeting if I don't go soon. I'll get back to you later!

~Adrian.